Monday, December 11, 2006

Moonbatism 101: How to tell if you are one

Welcome to the Moonbat abattoir-dedicated to removing moonbatism from the Democratic party and the nation as a whole and to restoring the country to pre-1960 levels of patriotism, moral, traditional and religious values.

As a benchmark for further discussions, I've devised a very simple test to determine whether or not you are indeed a "Moonbat" as opposed to a normal American, herein defined as a "Rapsha".

First the terminology:


Derived from a term describing followers of George Monbiot, a radical left wing writer for the British newspaper, The Guardian. Think Paul Krugman, Maureen Dowd, E.J. Dionne, Molly Ivins, Fwank Rich

RAPSHA: (Rational And Patriotic Snake Handling American.)

Moonbats commonly refer to anyone who holds deep moral or religious convictions as a "snake handler"-a derogatory term for Pentacostals that Moonbats think is really cute.

Rapshas are rational and patriotic people who good-humoredly embrace the moonbat description for moral and religious Americans and have incorporated the term into their acronym.

The test...

Whether or not you accept all examples or statements within Group A or Group B, please check the one that most accurately describes your choice.

Favorite modern day leaders:

A. Theodore Roosevelt, Franklin Roosevelt, John Kennedy, Golda Meier, Ronald Reagan, George Bush, Winston Churchill, Margaret Thatcher

B.Dennis Kucinich, Neville Chamberlain, Ho Chi Minh, Mao Tse Tung, Fidel Castro, Kim Jong Duck Doo, Saddam Hussein, Yasser Arafat, Jacques Chirac

Favorite sayings:

A. "God Bless America", "Speak softly but carry a big stick", My country-right or wrong", "Trust but verify", " He can run but he can't hide" "Kick ass and take names. "Mission Accomplished" , "Let's Roll"

Overheard backstage at Kerry headquarters

"That's us in the red, right"?

" Shut up bitch"!

B."Bush LIED, "Discretion is the better part of valor", "Halliburton", "It depends on what the meaning of "is" is." "Does it meet the Global test?" " No wonder they hate us" "Give Communism another chance" "Terrorism is such a nuisance" "Fwank Rich rocks" "I saw Fartenheit 9/11 14 times" "Cheney and Rumsfeld burned down the Twin Towers with Sterno".

Favorite War Heroes:

A. Audie Murphy, Alvin York, George Patton, Dwight Eisenhower, Anthony McAuliffe, Claire Channault, Norman Schwartzkopf

B. Benedict Arnold, Marshal Petan, Abbie Hoffman, Jane Fonda, Cindy Sheehan, John Kerry

Favorite entertainers:

A. Gene Autry, Kate Smith, Glenn Miller, Bing Crosby, Bob Hope, Betty Grable, Elvis Presley, Gary Cooper, Marilyn Monroe, Johnny Cash, John Wayne.

B. Tiny Tim, Franklin Pangborn, Sistah Soldya, Liberace, Madonna, Sinead O'Connor,Prince, Eminem, Puff Daddy, Ludicrous, The Dixie Chicks, Linda Ronstadt, Whoopi Goldberg, Borat.

Favorite Hymns:

A: Rock of Ages, Amazing Grace, He Leadeth Me, How Great Thou Art

B: Huh? What!?

Favorite memory of your grandmother:

A. Telling a state trooper to "kiss my ass" with a Marlboro dangling out of her mouth.

B. The collection of pressed chrysantemums in her Woodstock album.

Favorite authors;

A: Ernest Hemingway, Rudyard Kipling, Jack London, Walt Whitman, Louisa
May Alcott, Zane Gray, Robert Frost, Mark Twain, Emily Dickinson, Arthur Conan Doyle

B; Michael Moore,Truman Capote, Al Franken, Gore Vidal, James Joyce, Langston Hughes, Karl Marx, Bertrand Russell, Kitty Kelley, Henry James, Norman Mailer, Fwank Rich

Favorite foods:

A: Fried chicken, apple pie, sirloin steak, egg roll, beef stew, tacos, hamburgers, hot dogs, pizza

B: Spinach quiche, watercress salad, truffles, fois gras, tofu, granola, petite fors, curds and whey

Favorite sports:

A: baseball, football, basketball, tennis, golf, swimming, hunting, fishing, snake handling

B: flag burning, cribbage, badminton,whiffle ball, ring toss, wind surfing, registering voters illegally,
demanding recounts if the margin is closer than 3 billion votes, pulling down Christmas trees at airports,
mething up at "Festive Ass" celebrations

Favorite drinks:

A: Coffee, iced tea, milk, beer, bourbon, scotch, orange juice

B: Evian water, Long Island tea

Favorite Artists:

A: Michelangelo, Rembrant, Thomas Gainsborough, Grandma Moses, Norman Rockwell, Winslow Homer, James J. Audubon, Al Capp, Joe Shuster, Charles Schultz, Walt Kelly, Walt Disney

B: Andy Warhol, Salvador Dali, Jackson Pollack, Cheetah, Ted Rall, Gary Trudeau, Pablo Picasso, Various monkeys and turtles with paint on the bottoms of their little feet.

Favorite Christmas Music:

A: It came upon a Midnight clear, Joy to the World, Hallelujah!, Oh Little Town of Bethlehem

B: Huh? What?!"

Favorite television shows:

A: Ozzie and Harriet, Friday night fights, Bonanza, Leave it to Beaver, C-Span, Food Channel, Monday night Football, Fox News

B: MTV, Girls gone Wild, Jackass, Keith Odorman, Rosie O'Donnell,Beavis and Butt Head

Favorite Colors:

A: Red, white, blue

B: Mauve, pistaccio, puce-anything but red!

Favorite Presidential Candidates:

A: George W. Bush

B: John F. Kerry



12 -15 B's: "Full moon" bat. 7-12 Bs: "Half Moon" bat.

Fewer than 7: Salvageable with counseling, soft words, warm milk and lollipops.


12 -15A's: Handles anacondas with ease. 7 -12 A's: Nothing bigger than a pigmy rattler, wears snake chaps.

Fewer than 7: "Ohh, it 's all wriggly and stuff"! :)