Thursday, August 02, 2007

A thinking man's guide to dealing with Theocraphobia


A persistent, abnormal, and irrational fear of a theocracy that compels one to vote for Democrats despite the awareness, reassurance and historical evidence that it is not present.


Victims of theocraphobia often evidence such symptoms as (a) Gasping for breath at the sight of even the most innocuous symbols that might signal the possible emergence of a theocratic state-
Easter eggs, poinsettias, starfish, mangers, palm fronds, etc. Even hearing phrases like "poor as a churchmouse" can send a victim into uncontrollable spasms.

(b) Classic paranoid behavior such as crossing busy intersections to avoid passing near Salvation Army kettles, Christian book stores, kosher meat markets or Mormons on bicycles.

(c) Tourette's-like outbursts without visible provocation. Victims often scream words like "Zealot! Snake handler! John Ashcroft! Jerry Falwell! Pew jumper! Mackerel snapper! Religious nut! and other irrational and unrelated epithets for no apparent reason.

(d) An unrealistic fear of losing the telephone number of the local ACLU chapter. Victims of the disease can often be spotted simply by observing the area code and numbers emblazoned on their foreheads, palms, knee caps and other body parts.


Since theocraphobia is an extremely complex mental disease and is relatively restricted in scope to pseudo-intellectual elites such as college professors, news broadcasters, editorial writers, and ACLU members, research in the areas of treatment and cure is somewhat lacking.

Psychiatrists have had some limited success by inducing thorough readings of American History, detailing over 225 years of Republican and Democratic rule which have transpired without a scintilla of evidence that a theocratic state has ever posed a realistic danger or even been considered.

Those who have administered this treatment cite the most success by centering on the pre-ACLU period between 1776 and 1951 when politicians openly confessed to believing in a higher power and began deliberations with prayer; when school choirs often sang "God Bless America" and "The Star Spangled Banner" or recited The Pledge of Allegience-all without inducing the establishment of a theocratic government.

A word of caution in this regard: Administration of the above "facts and logic" treatment should always take into account the mental state of the patient which is often akin to that of a child who is convinced that a booger has taken up residence under his bed.

Counseling should therefore be in hushed, non threatening and reassuring tones to avoid triggering the classic Theocraphobic symptoms described.

Statements like "See, that bad ole Jesus didn't git yew", when accompanied by a lollipop, often relax the subject and open the door for further fact and logic transfusions.

It's also recommended that counseling not center on the fact that there are now less than a dozen religious symbols still standing on public property. Victims will most often enter into apoplectic seizures at the mention of them and demand to know where they are.

This could represent a significant setback in treatment since the counselor will have to once again convince the victim that none of them are hiding under his bed.


Given the debilitating effects of the disease and it's inherent resistance to facts or logic,the future outlook for victims is relatively good. With only a few minor Christian symbols remaining, mostly scattered among mountain cliffs and remote desert areas, it has become realistic to envision a time when all of them will be gone and with them, one can only hope, the victim's paralyzing fear of ever coming into contact with one.

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