Why we're in Iraq: The Real Story

Pretend that you're responsible for, say, a jock strap manufacturing company in Ipswich Connecticut.

Your headquarters building along with several distribution outlets in Nebraska, Florida, New York and Mississippi, have been fire bombed and are out of operation. Your survival as the world's leading jock strap producer is at stake since a host of other producers are unscathed and are ready and more than willing to do business with the clients you're unable to serve.

You're confronted with a formidable dilemma. If you're to maintain your market share, it's essential that you prevent another such attack in order to gain the time you need to rebuild your manufacturing, sales and distribution network.

Since this circumstances is unique in the history of jock strap making, you have decided to call on your supervisory staff and key employes for their input.

Hiram?:

Sir, I think it's pretty obvious that the anti jock strap coalition-people like Al Keider, Madame Husane, Kim Jong Duck Doo and others are responsible. Everybody knows they hate our guts, if you'll pardon my French. I don't know why we don't just go ahead and pop em.!

Thank you, Hiram. It's hard to argue with that kind of reasoning. But you have to remember that,as the world's leading jock strap producer, we have a very heavy corporate responsibility, an extremely vocal union and an often hostile customer base to consider before we take any kind of action like that.

Charles?

Well, sir, I don't think there's any question that they need to be popped. But we ought to get some consensus and support from the rest of the industry before we go off half cocked and get everybody all upset with us.

Steve?

I don't see any sense at all in that. Why do we need these guys? We're the ones that got smacked and most of them are laughing up their sleeve about it. You expect them to help us out when they're the ones who are getting our business while we're down?

I mean companies like Jacque's Jocks are getting a lot of business from Madame Husane, Al Keider and the rest. Vlad's Pads and Schroeder's Snoods certainly couldn't care less about our problems since they've never liked us very much anyway.

It's a waste of time.

Shirley?

Well, I think we could count on Tony's Trusses for--support,shall we say?

All right, Shirley.....

So you and Charles think we ought to take our case to the association.

How about you Bruce?

Well, they ought to be popped for sure. But everybody's going to call us an arrogant bully, even our own union members- you can just count on it. Particularly if we pick on a sweet old lady like Madame Husane.

So I'm with Charles and Shirley-it's worth a shot. But if they don't approve, I think we should pop her anyway.

Wayne?

Well you keep stressing that Madame Husane poses a serious threat to the jock strap industry.But nobody has told me what that threat is.

At your press conference on July 30, for example, you used the word "threat" over and over, even as you acknowledged that no weapons of jock strap destruction have been found.

And in a speech on July 24, your assistant asked "How could any responsible leader ignore the Madame Husane threat?"

But, again, what threat? The vision of one that you and your minions have manufactured from grossly exaggerated, distorted or downright false intelligence reports?

So you guys want to go to war! Your problem, of course, is that not a word of it is true. There are no weapons of jock strap destruction. Even the program Madame Husane once had to develop jock strap destruction weapons is inactive.

She certainly had such weapons years ago and doubtless retained some capability -- the know-how, the laboratories etc. -- to manufacture them again. But a capability does not equate to having weapons ready to use.

O.K....

Hold your thought for a minute there Wayne.

Hiram?

Well, first of all, I think Wayne is forgetting that we lost 3,000 employes in those attacks. So this is about a lot more than jock strap destruction.

And he's trying real hard to make us the bad guys in all this.

But all I hear him saying is "well, she had the weapons but now she doesn't- she knows how but she's quit doing it-she's perfectly capable but wouldn't dream of it".

What kind of bullcrap is that?!!

Everybody knows she gassed more than 300,000 of her own people. What makes Wayne think she'd bat an eyelash over 3,000-or even 3 million-Americans?

And of course, Al Keider would like nothing better than to crawl in the sack with her.

I vote we pop her. And I see Bruce, Steve and Shirley nodding their heads.

All right, Hiram. Let's allow Wayne to finish his thoughts.....

Well, as I've tried to point out, "popping Madame Hussein", as you put it, would be a distraction from what should be our principal task, the war against Al Keider.

Would we be more secure is we pop her? Absolutely not!

Madame Husane is a bitch, a vampire and a wanton hussy, yes. But she poses no real threat to the security of our operations. Why would we waste time and money and risk irritating our partners in the industry, our union members and even our customers by taking her out?

It's just a ridiculous, extremely risky, mindless act of destruction. And you're going to be held accountable!!!

All right, Wayne, thanks so much for sharing that with us...

Why are you laughing, Shirley?

Well, if Madame Husane has friends like Wayne, she certainly doesn't need any enemies.

He makes her sound exactly like the kind of person that needs popping.

Really bad......

Agreed.

Charles? Pop her Steve? Let's get it on Hiram? I think you know where I stand

Bruce? If you're waiting for me, you're backing up.

Ok, guys, let's roll!

Wayne, please turn in the keys to your company camel on the way out.....