Some of my liberal friends call the people who are trying to rescue Christmas from the ash heap of history "dumbasses" because we can't seem to grasp what their silly problem is.
I fashioned a response to some of their natterings in the piece below.
Merry Christmas Smart Asses.......
I've about given up coaching and patiently trying to explain why all the left wing smartasses are about as welcome in the red states( you know-those BIIIIGGGG!!!ones) as Michael Moore at a South Carolina Chitlin Festival.
Sure, I'm a dumbass. And you people are living in the world of dumbass right now because you're just too danged smart to add 2 and 2 and make it come to 4. You want to make a danged algebraic equation out of it.
Take a look around. You've got dumbasses controlling the House and the Senate and running your government, a dumbass on the cover of Time magazine, a dumbass dominating talk radio, dumbasses racking up the biggest news audiences on cable television, dominating the financial world and running the corporations that supply your jobs, your Big Macs, your argyle sweaters, your tofu and your trail mix, your wimpy little cars, your houses and your lava lamps.
You're dog paddling around in a red sea of dumbass right now because you went and picked a candidate that tried to tell us how to make a watch when all we really wanted to know was what time it was.
Dumbasses lack the verbal and intellectual skills to execute all those tergiversate shilly shallies the smartasses specialize in- like being able to take 8 different positions on one single issue at the same time. D lose their grip after the first triple pirouette and bang their heads on the concrete.
That's because their minds are bogged down in such simple minded concepts as right and wrong, love of country, keeping your word, meaning what you say, moral values, family traditions and using the common sense God gave them.
They're so danged dumb they think their kids ought to be able to sing Christmas carols or God Bless America in the schools (public? government? quasi? semi? hybrid?-let me think about it) that their tax dollars pay for just like they did, their parents did and their grandparents and their parents before them did. Danged dumbasses!!
Dumbass question. Which group do you imagine might be responsible for the general core rot in this country in the first place-with their misplaced notions about morality and civic duty, their "freedom of speech" defense of every egregious excess pumped out by the Hollywood pimps and their general disregard for the moral and traditional values that made this country great?
Which group defends a publisher's right to sell books on "How to Murder your Parents" and "An Anarchists Guide to Making Nuclear Bombs in your Basement"-then screams to high heaven if a school teacher says the word Jesus in a classroom?
Which group thinks that serial killers deserve lifetime room, board and workout rooms at taxpayers' expense, then nods off while doctors butcher an innocent 8 month old baby?
Which group applauds Target for kicking Salvation Army kettles out of their parking lots and complains to the ACLU because their local post office sells Christmas cards and Walmart won't sell porno magazines?
Where and how on earth do smartalecs think the groupies who instigated "lockup bingo" at Abu Ghraib got their ideas about the acceptability of such practices?
They sure as hell didn't get them from attending Sunday school or George Bush rallies!
And if you smartasses haven't figured the answer out yet, just flip your television remote or load up the latest Pimpwood release-the ones your personal saviors like Madonna, Whoopi Goldberg, Iced Tea, Ludacris, Eminen and Snoop Doggy pump out while they're building their beachfront mansions and throwing the finger to all the dumbasses of the world. Smartasses-every danged one of them!!
This country's dumbasses are trying their best to provide their kids with some moral anchors at home that don't get chopped loose the minute they enter the school house door to learn all about such smartass concepts as situational ethics ("Whatever's right for YOU !, Hon) and how all the smartass generated laws will protect them if they don't want to tell their parents they got pregnant at age 14 despite all the free condoms they got from the principal's office.
But thank (God, Allah, Buddha, Theron, Jethro, Festus-your choice. Just MAKE one, smartalec!) the smartasses are on the job to keep our kids from being subjected to words like Jesus and Merry Christmas right there in the hallways they have to use every day!!!
What to know what kind of candidate it's going to take four years from now to rescue your smartasses from those tiny blue islands you're having to stand on one foot on now to keep from gurgling crimson mouthwash?
Listen to one street smart dummy- Peggy Noonan-for just once in your smartass life. From a column she wrote just before the red tide of reason swept your smartalec tails out of your little moonbat caves.
I've substituted the word "smartass" for intellectual. I don't think Peggy would mind.....
"George Bush is the triumph of the seemingly average American man. He's normal. He thinks in a sort of commonsense way. He speaks the language of business and sports and politics. You know him. He's not exotic.
But if there's a fire on the block, he'll run out and help. He'll help direct the rig to the right house and count the kids coming out and say, "Where's Sally?" He's responsible. He's not a smartass.
Smartases start all the trouble in the world.
And then when the fire comes they say, "I warned Joe about that furnace." And, "Does Joe have children?" And "I saw a fire once. It spreads like syrup.
No, it spreads like explosive syrup.
No, it's formidable and yet fleeting."
When the fire comes the smartasses talk...
Bush ain't that guy. Republicans love the guy who ain't that guy. Americans love the guy who ain't that guy......"
As Noonan said..."People have eyes". And votes.
And write this one down, it's important( I'll wait while you find a crayon).
Because of the silly labels some groups like to hang on others, conservatives will never qualify to be smartasses. In the smartass world you need a master's degree in Advanced Moonbatism to be as dumbassed as they are.
glubb, glubbb, glubbbbbbbbbbb..........